What is Collaborative Parenting?

Recently, someone asked me why I was so passionate about collaborative parenting and how I came to find out about it, and it got me thinking about how I was raised by my mother and grandparents and the parenting style that propelled us into a gentler parenting era.

My mom was a single mother to me and my older sister and had a lot of support from my grandparents in raising us, mainly me, the younger of the two who was not yet school age. Although it was never outright said – or at least as much as I could remember, respect was a key tenet in my household and in my grandparent’s household. We knew we had to respect what they did and said or we would get a spanking. And I got a lot of them! This was the normative punishment for misbehavior both at home and at my school in the 80’s and 90’s.

What I didn’t know at the time but found out as I pursued my master’s in child and adolescent development, was that my mother’s parenting style, and the parenting style of parents of children who are now in their later 30’s to 40’s would be the key topic of an explosion of child development research. In longitudinal studies, following the children of that time to today has set forth a full pendulum swing in how we parent, teach, and interact with our children today. Researcher wanted to find out how the authoritarian way of parenting – demanding respect, where children were not seen as equal to other adult members of the family would impact our behavior, self-esteem, self-worth, attachment style relationships with our caregivers, and how this all impacted our social-emotional development (which was not a term used back then).

Let me be clear – I am in no way disparaging how parents parented back then. They were doing their best with the information they had. I also think they probably had harder childhoods than the children of the 80’s and 90’s in terms of authoritarian parenting style. But research shows this is not the premier way of parenting children. It in fact disincentivizes children to behave better, thwarts natural self-esteem and self-worth due to unequal family status, and because the push for social-emotional development just wasn’t there, we are now playing a bit of catch up on the social-emotional front. Depending on how authoritarian your parent was, socioeconomics, and race all play a part in attachment style relationships we have with our parents and other caregivers.

So, when it came time for me to have my own children, I knew I wanted to do better. That’s the goal of every future generation, right? Do better than those before us. We surely have more knowledge from the explosion of child development research in which to do so. But when posed with how to do it, I oftentimes came up short, falling back on behaviors learned from my mother and grandparents when I became triggered. This, and the deep desire to learn more about how relationships and environments impact children, led me back to school to learn about child development. From there, I learned about mutual respect between parent and child, collaborating with them on family matters and how they, the children would be raised (within reason and in developmentally appropriate ways), and communication were all paramount aspects to deep connection within family. This is collaborative parenting.

I got excited by the prospect of this parenting style because it just makes sense to me, and here’s why:

Respect: To learn respect, a child must be respected and shown respect. Children learn best from modeling. We cannot demand respect – that is a recipe for disrespect depending on the person and their temperament.  I want my children to respect me. But I also respect them as individuals who are learning, experiencing, growing, making mistakes and discoveries, and who are mastering this stage in their lives. I too am doing all these things. Why would they be less deserving of respect than me? Surely not because I am older and physically bigger. Not because I am their parent and may know more than them on certain matters. Regardless of age and ability, children deserve respect – period!

Collaboration: Although my children are young, they have plans and opinions and can advocate loudly and passionately for themselves. I love this about them, even when it goes against my plans and wishes for them. I appreciate being able to ask them their thoughts and views on various subjects that involve them to gain their opinion. They look at the world and the situations within it differently than me and have a unique perspective that I am interested in hearing. Sometimes, (oftentimes actually) we can collaborate on an issue and come up with a solution that everyone feels good about. This is how we build self-advocacy. This is how we build negotiation skills. This is how we teach and practice problem solving. Parents are a child’s first teacher, and these are vital life lessons that need reps and practice. This is not to say children should collaborate on everything. My soon to be kindergartener was telling me she might not want to go to the same school as her brother. Although the one drop off is attractive, it isn’t a focus of mine as to why I want them in the same school. She is four, and this isn’t necessarily a decision she is making on her own. We aren’t problem solving this particular situation. So, it’s important to note that not all things are appropriate for your child’s input and involvement. As parents we still need to provide boundaries. In bringing your child into family conversations and collaboration, it’s important to make sure its developmentally appropriate and we aren’t involving them in adult matters before they are ready and able to engage in this way.

Communication: It goes without saying how vitally important communication amongst family members, especially between parent and child, is. Communication is a lesson we start teaching our children at a very young age, even before they are verbal. The back and forth we engage in with our little ones sets the stage for turn taking when someone is speaking versus when someone is listening, and how to engage in both acts. We need to take the time to listen to what our children have to say. This is easier said than done, especially given the demands of parenthood and careers. But taking the time to listen when they are young teaches our children, they are worthy of our undivided attention, building their self-worth. As they get older and peers begin to take center stage while parents take a less visible role in the attention our children give, if we have set the foundation where children they will be heard, they will continue to come to us in their teenage and young adult years. If we show them that we are too busy with work or household chores and don’t make the time to connect in this way, it will come as no surprise they don’t talk to us when they are teenagers – we haven’t put in the work to show them we are available in this way. So, make yourself available to them. Talk about what is going on in their lives, share what is going on in your life, discuss what is going on within the family and in the home. Pour into the relationship with your child in the easiest way – listening. I have to remind myself often, my chores will always be there, my children will not. I try to choose wisely.

Collaborative parenting is in many ways a 180-degree progression from the authoritative way of raising children that many children of the 80’s and 90’s were raised. In continuing to learn from the generation before us, we too are working to improve the way we parent our children. If the goal of parenting is to raise healthy, happy children that have a strong family connection the secret sauce to ensuring this comes in the form of mutual respect, collaboration, and communication that collaborative parenting offers. The research shows that these three elements can pay dividends toward a common family goal – strong connections.