How To Build Secure Attachment With Your Child
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth and their Attachment Theory might not be something you’ve heard of but is a major developmental objective for children to develop with their caregivers, mainly their mothers since they typically act as the primary caregiver in many families. Being able to develop an attachment relationship with caregivers isn’t hard for children to do. However, creating a secure, healthy attachment relationship and reaping the benefits of such relationship is dependent on the parents, their parenting style, and availability of the parents. So, let’s break down attachment and how to provide your child with the care they need to insure a secure attachment.
Secure attachment is primarily characterized as a caregiver being a safe haven for a child. As children become mobile and instinctually begin to explore the world, the caregiver acts a safe base for the child to return to in the event of danger, whether it be perceived or realized. This instinctual act dates back to our primitive days when children actually explored their surroundings and may have encountered some sort of danger like a stumbling across a sabretooth tiger! While today’s child isn’t in such imminent danger, they are still roaming their environments and often return to the caregiver to check-in as well as receive comfort when needed. This of course all depends on the availability of the parent/caregiver. When parents are available to be the safe base for the child, the child makes core neural connections that their parent is dependable and trustworthy. Children then learn to trust. Secure attachment is then characterized as children having a healthy, trusting relationship with others. As they get older and their world of exploration and of caregivers and important relationships (think grandparents, teachers, and later in their childhood – friends) act as that secure base in which to return to in times of need. If securely attached, children will develop trusting relationships with those individuals as well.
Developing a secure attachment is critical to a child’s social and emotional development as it sets the pivotal foundation for what relationships will look like in life – ones in are healthy and are beneficial to our overall well-being. When children have a secure attachment they feel safe and supported in their relationships, helping them to develop a strong sense of self, self-worth, and helps children build resilience. Research has shown that children with secure attachment relationships have better emotional regulation skills, higher self-esteem, and healthier relationships. As children grow older into their adult years, The Mindful Child states that they are more likely to be satisfied in their relationships, feel secure and connected to friends and partners, and those relationships are highlighted with characteristics of honesty, support, the ability to be independent, and have deep emotional connections, similar to the connections shared with their initial attachment caregiver.
What I appreciate the most about attachment is that even for children who have an insecure attachment relationship with their initial caregiver, say, because of trauma or abuse – there is still hope and the opportunity to develop a secure attachment. With dedicated and intentional work, children (and adults) can overcome insecure attachment. Even fractured, once secure attachment can be worked on and improved! So if you are a parent, worried about your attachment relationship with your child, consistently, intentionally, and purposefully pour into your child – it will make the difference now and in the future.
Your child doesn’t need perfect. They need you - steady, present and connected.
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With the importance of attachment relationships, this is yet another topic that oftentimes gatekept and not spoken much about. But providing the type of care to ensure a secure attachment with your child is easy to do. Dr. Dan Siegel breaks down how to develop a secure attachment style with your child, with his 4 S’s of Secure Attachment. Follow these steps to help your child develop a secure attachment relationship.
Safe: characterized as providing a safe environment – both physically safe and emotionally safe. When children feel safe, they are more likely to explore the world and develop trusting relationships. So establish routines with consistent boundaries (children need boundaries to know you are in control and can keep them safe).
Seen: experiences, thoughts, feelings, and emotions are acknowledged! When parents actively listen and are present with their children they develop self worth because you are showing them they are worthy of your time and attention. So make sure to listen when you child speaks, make eye contact, validate and respond sensitively. Also make time for your child. I love the idea of special time at some point of the day. Name it “special time” set a time limit that works for you and your child and provide them undivided attention for that time. It can be 5 minutes, as long as you pour into them, let them take the lead all while you are present.
Soothed: characterized as providing comfort, reassurance, and support when distressed – being their safe haven or safe base. When parents do so, they help children learn to regulate their emotions and develop healthy coping strategies. So be consistent with the support you provide. Allow children to learn that they can come to you always, whether they are infants to in their teens. What you do today makes the neural connections for later in life.
Secure: provide a sense of security and predictability. Parents, be consistent and reliable and your child will develop a sense of trust and confidence in the relationships they have and enter into. Again, make sure to build in bonding time with your child in that “special time.” Coupled with healthy communication, modeling of stable, predictable environments will help children gain trust and know what healthy relationships consist of and look like.
All in all, it comes down to consistent, intentional care and quality time with your child. Not only is it quality bonding time but sets the foundation for their social-emotional growth and quality of their future relationships.
what to do next:
Attachment is the foundation. When you strengthen your child’s sense of safety, being seen, soothed, and secure; you’re not just shaping childhood. You’re shaping who they become, how they love, and how they see themselves in the world.
If you’re ready to move beyond tips and into transformation, I can help.
Book Your Free Parent Consultation and lets talk through where disconnection shows up most and what secure attachment could look like in your family.
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Your child doesn’t need perfect. They need you - steady, intentional, and supported. Let’s build that together.
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References:
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Delacorte Press.
Sroufe, L. A. (2005). Attachment and development: A prospective, longitudinal study from birth to adulthood. Attachment & Human Development, 7(4), 349–367. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616730500365928
Waters, T. E. A., Bosmans, G., & Vandevivere, E. (2020). Secure base representations in middle childhood across two Western cultures: Associations with parental attachment representations and parenting styles. Developmental Psychology, 56(3), 546–558. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000871
