Persistent Children
A few weeks ago my daughter asked me to read her a book in class before I dropped her off for the day. After we read the book, she asked (as she does ever week) if we could read one more book. My answer is always the same “unfortunately, we cant read another book today, you have to get your steps done before class starts, and I have to start my day.” And of course, she asks a few more times, to which I answer “My no is not going to change today. But we can check out the book to read tonight, or I can take a picture of it so we have a plan for next week.” On this particular day, my daughter’s teacher told me how it was a coincidence that I mentioned no’s changing to maybe’s or yeses because they just read Kamala and Maya’s Big Idea by Meena Harris that discusses how sometimes no’s can change to a maybe or a yes. While reading the book in circle time, my daughter announced to the class that in her family, no’s never turn into yes’! **crickets ** Wow! She just called me out, and she wasn’t wrong about it either!
Being asked for something countless times and the answer just isn’t going to change can be extremely frustrating! It can be a trigger, it can feel as though our child isn’t listening, it can feel down right disrespectful! And we all know when we feel these things, we react, and can do so harshly. So what do we do when we have a persistent child?
First we need to understand what’s going on. Developmentally, this is totally normal. At all ages, a child’s job is to investigate the world around them. How do things work and why? They are exploring patterns and that A+B=C… but what happens when A+B doesn’t equal C? They are looking for patterns to find out how and why things work or don’t work, why they get a certain reaction and if that reaction is consistent. As adults, we have a larger bank of patterns we rely on, and are too looking for patterns of consistency when venturing into something new. Children are building that bank of patterns to recall upon later in time and in life.
So the constant questioning is there way of finding out how many times they can ask before the answer changes, because at some point in past, they asked enough and the answer changed. They are finding out if they ask one person and they don’t get the desired answer, can they ask another person and get their desired outcome because at one point in the past, this too has worked! They are recalling past patterns to make them work in another situation. These little smarties are doing exactly what they’re supposed to, even though we may not always like them doing it. So back to what do we do about it? What are tools we can add to our parental toolbelt?
My go to answer when my children have asked one too many times is simply “my no is not going to change, this time.” I like this response because it teaches my children that this is a definitive answer, one in which isn’t changing in this moment in time. Lets be clear - I make sure to add the reason why my answer is a no. What comes afterwards is a lesson in changing perspective. My children will always want to discuss the reasoning. I take this as an opportunity to have a discussion with them. Open communication is a big part of the way I parent. However, I also know if there is whining, crying, or yelling involved, they’re not really hearing me. So it will be a short conversation and we can revisit the topic another time - typically at bed time when children (and parents) have had time to cool down and children are more apt to have a conversation.
The definitive “no” also helps children learn respectful boundaries. Boundaries are really important for kids. It signifies that as the parent, you have the situation in control and that there are rules and parameters that must be met to keep kids and families safe, happy, and healthy.
As children get older they learn the important lesson of being able and comfortable saying no… sometimes a very definitive no at that. I welcome the day where I go to ask my daughter for one more hug and she says no, and that her answer isn’t going to change. I love when these lessons get thrown in my face because is shows she listening, she gets it, she feel comfortable practicing these skills with me before she gets into the real world and needs to use them. This is good prep. I feel confident that she will be able to set a boundary in the same way me and my husband do with her and her brother.
But here is the caveat to the definitive “no”:
We also need to leave room for maybe’s and yeses. When your child asks for something and it isn’t a hard no, let there be room for an alternative. For example, my son asked me to pack him a huge cookie for his snack. I said no because he didn’t need this huge cookie that was gonna hop him up on sugar and then give him a sugar crash during class. But I left room for a “maybe after school or on the weekend.” This models a few things for our kids: 1) we aren’t hard asses who don’t ever change a decision! 2) it models the ability to change our mind. We don’t need to be so rigid and definitive all the time. And we change our mind at any time. Whether its 2 seconds after we say no or 2 hours, it shows you gave it some thought and here’s an alternative. 3) it opens up communication between you and your child. Discuss the reason why, let them try to convince you to change their mind. We’re working on communication skills here! We are problem solving - a major skills imperative for middle child and adolescent/teen years. We are working on negotiation skills. We are teaching our children to not accept a no when they truly want something. These are qualities we want our children to have as they grow up. Be the teacher for those skills in every day interactions.
Don’t worry about your child being confused or misled by a definitive no versus leaving room for a maybe or yes or even changing your mind. They will quickly learn the difference between the unchanging answers and develop the ability to define their own answers. Children will learn amazing communication and problem solving skills through the conversations you’ll have with them.
