How Much Time Should You Spend with Children to Foster Connection and Secure Attachment?
We get this question often because as parents and caregivers, we hear that everything is tied to the connection building time we spend with our children. We also think about how much time we actually have to spend with our children, which is never enough with work, managing a household, and all the responsibilities we have in 24 hours of time. And for some parents, this may be a daunting task - they might not know how to spend quality time, might not enjoy playing or connecting in the same as our children do, etc. Regardless, there is no need to have shame in this question or in fearing the answer. We swear it’s not that bad.
In reality, it doesn’t take that much time to connect and work on the attachment relationship you have with your child. Can you take ten minutes a day (or almost every day) to dedicate one-on-one time with your child? Could it be five minutes? Here is what it should look like:
- Decide how much time you actually have to dedicate every day without worrying about your other commitments
- One-on-one with you and your child alone
- Put your phone away – there should be limited distractions
- Name this time as you and your child’s “special time”
- No tv, iPad, computers, video games that act as though you’re interacting, but you really aren’t…
- Participate in an activity your child wants to do. We aren’t dictating how we spend the time
As a mother of two, I understand how difficult it is to spend quality time with each child solo. They get jealous when I am doing something, anything really, with one of them, and the other isn’t involved – it’s FOMO and I get it. But the importance of this connection time is to do it one-on-one so you can focus on that singular child. So, you may have to get creative with how you do it. But we understand that this can be difficult especially if children share a room, go to the same school, have the same extracurriculars and there aren’t a lot of natural alone time moments. But this can be a good opportunity for older children to help problem solve the issue. Bring up the topic of wanting to spend special time with each child. And let the whole family brainstorm solutions for getting that alone time on the books. This also teaches children how important it is not to interrupt the other child’s alone time because it doesn’t feel good when their alone time gets interrupted. This may be a hard lesson that needs to be taught and learned by experience. But remember there is always tomorrow for more special time if it gets interrupted.
It is important to put your phone away. We don’t want any distractions that take away from building connection. The same goes for tv, iPads, computers, and video games. Yes, you may be on the couch together, even cuddling up and enjoying something together, but you two aren’t engaging in the same way you would if there were no technology preventing you from making eye contact, having a dialog, etc., so again, this may mean you have to get creative in what that time looks like if that is your child’s preferred way of spending time with you. Trust me, my son would love for us to watch a movie as his special time, and we do that some days, but it is not our special time and sometimes he has to think about something else for us to do. Sorry kid.
The next step is to do an activity your child wants to do. We aren’t dictating what the activity is (besides stipulating no technology). Why? Children have limited opportunities to do exactly what they want to do. Adults are constantly telling kids what to do, when to do it, and for what duration of time – then critiquing that activity. Let’s give children the power to say what they want to do with us. That doesn’t mean we can’t offer suggestions, but we want to give children more practice telling us and others what they want to do. There are some good developmental aspects around this to note: If you are trying to give your child positive power moments of control, this is good practice for them. Additionally, if you have a timid or indecisive child, or a younger sibling who really gets the short end of the stick on deciding what to do, this gives the ability to put in some much-needed practice.
When you think about how one connects with another, it is usually when someone shares something with another. When your child is able to share something with their favorite person (you), it builds connection between you two. This also builds their self-esteem because it feels good to share something with someone who enjoys what you two are doing. Your special time can also become core memories of time spent together. Doing an activity of their choice also reinforces learning by the act of explaining what you’re doing or showing you how to do something. And lastly, when children feel connected to adults, they are more likely to listen and follow rules and directions. If you think about it, why would anyone listen to someone they aren’t connected to? They just don’t do that. One solution to the problem of children not listening to their parents is always going to be to spend more time with the child to build connections that helps inspire them to listen and engage more.
Building and maintaining connections with your child does not have to be a daunting task or one that takes hours to do. We are all busy parents, and our kids are busy too! But there is no reason to feel shame for being a busy parent. The hardest part of spending time with your child may just be how to fit it into a schedule that already feels busy. But ten minutes or even five minutes daily can make a huge difference in the connection you and your child feel to each other. Can we dedicate the time to feel more securely attached and connected with the most special people in our lives? I think we can find the time!
